英文搞笑，翻译更残暴系列之1

1、I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
开始我直接求上帝赐辆自行车。后来我琢磨上帝办事儿不是这个路数。于是老子偷了一辆然后求上帝宽恕。
2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
我希望能像爷爷那样，安静地在睡梦中死去…… 而不是要像他开的车上那些惨叫滴乘客一样死法啊！
3、Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
你永远不能战胜一个纯SB,因为他会把你的智商拉到跟他个水平,然后用丰富的经验打败你
4、The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
直译：在这个世界上,我最不愿意做的事就是伤害你,但是这件事仍在我的考虑之列。
意译a：我真不想伤害你，但你也别逼我。
意译b：吾虽不杀伯仁，伯仁由我而死。
5、If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
a. 如觉嘿咻乃屁眼不能承受之痛，那是你操错洞...
b. 若XXOO是下体的痛，那幺，是你操错。
6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
a. 早起滴小鸟有虫虫！晚到的老鼠有奶酪！
b. 早起的鸟儿有虫吃，早起的虫儿被鸟吃。