FML笑话选（2）
要学好文化
Today, I found out that the phrase I got tattooed on my lower back is misspelled. FML
今天，我发现我后背的纹身单词拼错了。。。FML
砸车前看清楚
Today, I was running late and realized I had locked my keys in my car. Frantic, I threw a rock through the drivers side window to retrieve them, just before noticing the passenger side door was unlocked. FML
今天，因为马上就要迟到了，钥匙又锁车里了，我拿了块板砖把驾驶员侧的玻璃给凿碎了，随后我发现副驾的门根本没锁。FML
跟家里搞好关系很重要3
Today, I drove my cousin to her wedding. The photographer said I was too ugly for the official photos so they searched the crowd for a good looking guy to pose as the driver in my new car. No one in the crowd stopped to defend me. My mom told me it's my own fault. FML
今天，我送大侄女去婚礼，摄影师居然因为我太丑了而挑了个好看些的家伙来开着我的新车拍照。我妈说：谁让你长这幺丑咧！FML
要热爱食物
Today, I ordered a chicken sandwich. I was starving and it was the fastest thing to order. Half way through it, I found something which does not belong, and removed it. It was half a cockroach, and I don't know where the other half is. FML
今天，正在大嚼汉堡的时候，发现了蟑螂。半只。FML
跟家里搞好关系很重要2
Today, I moved out of my parents basement. After I hugged my parents I walked out the door only to remember I left my phone in the kitchen. I open the door and see my parents dancing. FML
今天，我从家里的地下室搬出来，在跟爸妈做了深情拥抱后我缓缓走出了大门，感觉无限凄凉。结果我回去拿手机的时候发现他们在跳舞庆祝。FML
跟家里搞好关系很重要
Today, my family and I went on a picnic in the park 45 minutes drive away from our house. I fell asleep beneath a tree. They left me there. FML
今天，我们全家到45分钟车程外的公园去野餐。因为太阳晒的很舒胡我在树边睡的很high，后来他们就把我忘在那里了。FML
无语了
Today, my boyfriend's head was on my lap. I bent down to kiss him. My stomach rolls got there first. FML
今天，BF扒在我腿上睡了，我看着很沖动，就弯腰去吻他，结果我的小肚子盖他脸上了。FML
喂猫，啥都行
Today, I realized I'm missing my diamond earrings. After ripping apart the vacuum bag and exhausting all other options I'm pretty sure my new cat ate them. I'm going to go sift through several days worth of cat shit now. FML
今天，我意识到鉆石耳环确实丢了。后面几天我得不断的翻猫屎了。FML
小蜜蜂的故事
Today, I was at a stop light and a bee landed on my leg. I screamed and started swatting it. It flew into my jacket and I started to strip my jacket off, taking my foot off the brake. I hit the car in front of me and deployed the air bag, breaking my nose. Then the bee stung me in the back. FML
今天，等红灯的时候费尽来一个小蜜蜂，从裤腿鉆进去了，我开始尖叫并且狂扇，它顺着裤腿一直鉆进来，我赶紧吧外衣脱掉，然后不小心松开了剎车，追尾了。然后气囊弹出，把鼻子震歪了。最后蜜蜂还是在背上叮了我一口。FML??
帮主都不能用了割掉吧
Today, I was sitting around a bonfire when an ember landed on my crotch. Without thinking, I quickly slapped at it and hit myself square in the nuts. FML
今天，我在篝火旁边烤着正爽呢，忽然一个火星飞出来落在裤裆处，我当时眼明手快使出吃奶的力气一拳捣在铃铛上。FML
纵欲的后果
Today, I woke up(after a night of drinking) in my backyard. All I was wearing were my boxers and one sock. I staggered up to see my car halfway through my garage wall with a note saying"Sorry Dude". FML
今天，我从酩酊大醉中醒来，发现我就穿一条短裤和一只袜子躺在花园里，挣扎的爬起来后，看到我的车半截从车库的墻扎进去，上面还贴了个条子：对不住啊哥们！FML
知道恢复系统的真谛了
Today, my computer stopped working. Me, the technology challenged one, decided to do a system recovery on it hoping that I could make it better. Turns out, system recovery means deleting all the files off the computer including family photos, music and assignments and starting fresh. FML
今天，电脑罢工了，我挑战一下恢复系统，结果恢复后的系统意味着删除原来盘中所有的文件，我的可怜的家庭照片们，音乐们，作业论文们，想死你们了我！
吃猫食了
Today, I made a tuna sandwich. It was really nice, so I looked at the label to see what brand it was. Turns out it wasn't tuna. It was fancy cat food. FML
今天，我做了金枪鱼三明治吃，味道血受，绝了儿。然后我喽了一眼商标看是啥牌子的，结果发现这不是金枪鱼罐头，而是美味猫粮！卧槽了.FML
比裤衩还冤
Today, my girlfriend decided to be very naughty and placed her underwear in my backpack. I wish she had told me, because it slipped into a folder that contained my project data for my professor. So, after class, I got sent to the Dean of Students' office to talk about sexual harassment. FML
今天，我妞跟我玩情趣，偷偷地把她小可爱塞我背包里了，而且正好掉进了準备交给我教授的一个作业夹子里。下课后，我被送到学生处长那探讨了一下我地这个性骚扰行为。FML
老板很牛掰
Today, I was fired for not attending a mandatory meeting. I confronted my boss and told her I never heard anything about it, she told me that daily reminders had been sent out via email for weeks. She then discovered that she failed to enter my email address in the system. I was still fired. FML
今天，我因为缺席会议被炒了。可是我根本没有收到会议通知，她坚称几周前就发过邮件，查了一下原来她拼错了我的邮箱。但我还是被炒了。FML
请陌生人拍照
Today, I was taking a group shot with my friends when I asked a stranger to take the picture for us. He backed up and told us to squish closer together, and when he was at least 20 feet away, he turned and ran off with my camera. FML
今天，跟几个瓷在一块想找个合影，就把相机交给一个路人，结果这孙子在20尺以外还让我们站的紧一些，然后拿着相机跑了。FML
MUMU
Today, I got offered a ride to go home for the weekend. I go to college six hours away from home and haven't seen my family for almost two months. When I called my mom with the good news, she told me not to come. FML
今天，有个正巧可以搭个顺风车回家做周末，从学校到家有六个小时车程而且我也有快两个月没回家了，当给我娘打电话想说给他惊喜，她却不让我回去。FML
乱
Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. I found out he was seeing someone behind my back: my ex-boyfriend. FML
今天，跟我男友分手了，是因为我发现他背这我跟我的前男友鬼混！FML
怪蜀熟-尾行
Today, the man that has been stalking me for months finally stopped. When I went to the police station to tell them, they had me give them his number, I accidentaly called him, now he is stalking me again, asking why I called. FML
今天，跟蹤了我三个月的怪蜀熟终于放弃了，我决定到警察局去报个案，并按照警察蜀熟的要求提供尾行者的电话号码，不幸的是我不小心按了拨号键，现在怪蜀熟又开始跟蹤我了。FML
人森最痛苦的事
Today, I spent the entire day packing my car full of boxes for my move tomorrow. When I finally finished, I realized I didn't have the car key. It's inside one of the boxes. FML
今天，花了一整天的时间打包行李，当我最终把一堆箱子搬上车以后，发现车钥匙在其中某一个箱子里。FML
还是新招
Today, I learned to check inside the oven before you preheat it. Sometimes children hide their pet rabbit in there. FML
今天，我又有了教训，我以后预热烤箱前一定先看看孩子们是不是把他们的宠物藏在里面。。。FML
再学一招
Today, I learned that the gap between the elevator and the 6th floor landing of my apartment building is approximately one key's width wide. FML
今天，我终于知道了我公寓进电梯的缝隙的宽度，刚好够掉下去一把钥匙。。。FML
检查内务
Today, while wearing my Navy Dress White Uniform, I decided to stop and help this attractive girl who was not feeling well. Without warning, she proceeded to vomit all over my"Whites". I have a uniform inspection later this afternoon. FML
今天，我穿上了我的白色的海军制服，因为下午有长官来检查内务，尤其是着装。这时候，我看到一个性感的女孩，她身体不太舒服，所以我决定停下来帮助她一下。一点征兆都没有，她吐了我满身的，在白色的制服上面。。。FML
悲惨世界
Today, I realized that my bike was stolen. It was no big deal, my name and number was on it, but it was a crappy bike anyway. I live 3 miles away, and while I was on my walk home I noticed a bike had been thrown through my principal's window. Who's bike was it? Mine. FML
今天，我发现我自行车被偷了。不过，也无所谓了。那个车子上面有我的名字和电话的，而且那车子也很烂了。当我走路去上学的时候，我发现一个自行车被扔进我校长家的窗户，那是我的自行车！FML
发言稿
Today, it was my wedding day and I had been preparing my speech for my husband for about 3 months. At the wedding, I poured my heart out to him. Did he do the same? My husband forgot about it, and right before the wedding, took his from his first marriage and changed the name. FML
今天，是我婚礼的日子。我已经花了3个月的时间来準备婚礼上面我对我丈夫的发言了。在婚礼上面，我把我的心都给他了，声情并茂地发言。而他呢？那个不要脸的家伙完全忘了这事，就在婚礼前，他拿来他第一次婚礼时候的发言稿，把里面的名字改成了我的名字。FML
不合作
Today, I got fired from my job for not"interacting with customers." That is understandable. The thing is, my job didn't actually include any customer interaction. FML
今天，我被解雇了，原因是没有“和客户合作”。问题是，我的工作根本接触不到任何客户。FML
追尾
Today, I drove my husband's car to the mall because my car was in the shop. The bumper was being repaired because I got rear ended while stopped at a traffic light. While stopped at the same intersection I got rear ended again. FML
今天，我开老公的车去超市。我的车还在4S店里面维修，后悬挂坏掉了，因为在等红灯的时候被追尾了。在同样的路口，我今天又被追尾了。FML
想挠墻
Today, I woke up at 3 in the morning and realized I forgot a 30 page english essay that was due the next day. Knowing I still had 12 pages to research and write, I bolted. I worked until 12PM and was almost done when my dad came in and unplugged the computer because I"need to go outside more." FML
今天，凌晨3点我就醒了，想起来了我明天要交一个30页的散文。我还差12页呢，所以我跳起来，开始写散文。到中午12点，我快要写好的时候，我爸沖进来把电脑电源给拔了，他说我“需要出去呼吸呼吸新鲜空气”。FML
自作多情
Today, my dog died. I spent ages digging him a grave and buried him in the garden so that my dad wouldn't have to deal with the stress when he got home from work. When my dad got home he told me that he had wanted the dog to be cremated. I have just had to dig up my dog's body. FML
今天，我家的狗死了。我花了大半天的时间在花园里面给它挖了个墓，我想这样我爸爸就不会太难受了。等我爸回来以后，他要求把狗火化。我TMD刚把狗埋了。。。FML? ?
学着点
Today, I was talking and joking with my boyfriend. He said"Hey wanna hear a joke?" I said"Yes." He said,"Our relationship." and walked away. He seriously dumped me through a one-liner. FML
今天，我和我男友聊得正欢。他说“要不要听我讲个笑话？”我说“好啊！”他说：“我们现在的关系”然后就走了。他通过这种方式把我甩了。FML
最丑的一个
Today, after coming home from hanging out with a few friends, my mom told me that I shouldn't hang out with them any more. Why? Because"they are way hotter than I am and I'll never get a boyfriend if I'm always the ugly one in my group." FML
今天，我和一帮朋友出去玩，回家以后我妈告诉我说以后不应该和那些人一起玩了。为什幺呢？因为“她们都比你漂亮，你会永远也找不到男朋友因为你是里面最丑的一个”。FML
CLOSED
Today, I arrived at work at 8, and business was abnormally slow, but we assumed it would pick up. Few hours later, we had not had a single customer. As I walk out of the restaurant, I realize the open sign has been off all day. FML
今天，我像往常一样8点到餐馆上班。今天生意特别差，我们以为过一会儿会好点，但是一直到中午都没一个人光顾。当我走出餐厅的时候，我发现餐厅大门上面仍然挂着“Closed”的牌子。FML
那个2B是谁
Today, I found an old friend of mine on Facebook. After adding her, I suggested friends for her. She ended up adding every single one I added, but not me. I later saw her ask one of those friends who the hell I was and how I knew all of them. We used to eat lunch together everyday. FML
今天，我在fackbook上面发现了一个老朋友。加了她以后，我给她建议了一些朋友。她把我的朋友都加为了朋友，除了我。然后，我看到她问我们的一个朋友，那个2B到底是谁？我擦，我们以前一直一起吃午饭。。。FML
咸湿老爸
Today, I met my boyfriend's father for the first time. We were at a restaurant and my bofriend kept playing footsie with me under the table. When my boyfriend excused himself to go to the restroom, the game of footsie was still going on. FML
今天，我和我男友的父亲第一次见面。我、我男友还有他爸爸在一家餐厅吃饭。男友的手一直在桌子下面和我调情，当他去了洗手间以后，那只手还在我的大腿上。。。FML
保镖
Today, was my first day as a bouncer. I was a bit late and didn't meet all the staff. Later that night, some fairly drunk guy was trying to force his way in, I told him we were at capacity and that he would have to wait. He kept trying and I ended up pushing him to the floor. He was the owner. FML
今天，是我作为保镖工作的第一天。我有点迟到了，没有见到所有的人。晚上，有个醉汉晃晃悠悠就想闯进来。我很克制地告诉这是私人领地，请他离开，但是他不听，我就推了他一把，他就趴在地上了。他就是我要保护的人。FML
E
Today, I had lunch with friends I hadn't seen in years. We took a few group shots with my camera, and I went home and downloaded them to my computer. Seeing them on my monitor, I noticed a yellow spot on my black shirt, so I looked down. A big, dried booger was stuck there. FML
今天，我跟一个很久不见的朋友吃了午饭，然后用我相机照了些照片。回家后我把照片拷到电脑上看，发现在我的黑衬衣上有一个黄点，低头再看我的黑衬衣上粘了一块大鼻涕！FML??
惨烈的答复
Today, I wrote to the guy whom I am in love with how I feel about him. He was very calm and told me to give him some time to think it over. Later, in the day I found out he blocked my number and rejected me on facebook. But, the worse part is he then texted me saying"This is my reply". FML
今天，我给一个我爱上的一个爷们写信，我告诉他我是多幺多幺的爱他。他很镇定，告诉我说给他点时间让他想想。后来，有一天，我发现这爷们把我电话号码和我facebook帐号扔黑名单里了，更凄惨的是，接着他短信我说“这就是我的答复。”FML
我爹和我和球
Today, I was at a baseball game. I was eating my nachos when all of the sudden I woke up in the hospital, with my dad sitting next to the bed. Apparently, I was hit with a foul ball. He kept the ball for himself. FML
今天，我正看棒球比赛。当时正吃薯片，然后下一个瞬间就是我在医院醒过来，我爸在床边坐着了。我被一界外球给击中，而我爸把这球自己收藏起来了。FML
易怒
Today, I was cuddling on the couch with my girlfriend when I started to tickle her, she asked me to stop but I continued. She had a reaction, and kneed me in the happy sacks. FML
今天，我搂着我gf在沙发上打滚，我开始挠她痒，她让我别闹了，我没停。她怒了，一个铁膝盖教训了我的裆部。FML
-_-
Today, my 118 year old house went from"family dwelling" to"official crime scene". 2 bodies were discovered under the cement in the basement when we began renovations on our new family home. FML
今天，我的有118年楼龄的房子从一个“家庭住房”变成了一个“法定犯罪现场”。在我们翻新房子的时候，在地下室的水泥里发现了两具尸体 FML
道歉的花
Today, I got flowers at work. I was excited until I saw they were from my good friend saying,"Sorry for sleeping with your boyfriend!" FML
今天，班上的时候我收到一束花，我那个兴奋啊，直到我看到卡片是我好朋友写的——“不好意思，我和你bf一起睡了。”FML
发现
Today, I found out I'm sterile. My wife and I have three kids: 14, 11, and 4. FML
今天我发现我不能生育，我老婆和我有3个孩子，14岁、11岁和4岁。FML
-_-
Today, my sister bought my five year old son a giant ant farm for his birthday. We set it in the living room on a table. I went into the kitchen for a minute, and when I walked back in to the living room, my son was holding the empty case over his head, smiling. FML
今天，我姐姐带给我5岁的儿子买了一个巨大的蚂蚁养殖场玩具当生日礼物。我们把它放在客厅桌子上。我去了厨房一下，等我回来时候，我儿子正举着那个大空箱子乐呢。FML
出师不利
Today, was my first day at my new job in a shop. 10 minutes after my first customer leaves I realize she managed to steal$200 worth of merchandise while she had me getting stuff for her from the back room. FML
今天，是我去商店上班的第一天。我的第一个顾客离开了10分钟之后我发现她偷了200刀的东西，那时候她叫我去后面的房间帮她拿点商品。FML
没人性
Today, I called my boss to let her know that I was suffering from severe depression and that my doctor suggested I take a month's leave. Her response:"Glad you are getting help, however we can't hold your job. No need to come to the office, we'll mail your stuff to you." FML
今天，我给我老板打电话告诉她我被医生告知由于工作压力太大需要休息一段时间，她回答我说：很高兴你去求助了，但是我们不能留住你的职位，你也不用来公司了，我们会把你的东西邮寄给你！FML
套套
Today, my friends were all talking about the first time they bought condoms. I can still remember the first time I bought them; in fact they are unopened and expired in my bedside table. FML
今天，一堆哥们讨论他们第一次买套套，我仍然记得我第一次买的套套一直没有开封直到在我床头柜里过期了FML
take a relaxing cup of tea
Today, after the most stressful two weeks of my life, I finally found a few minutes to sit down with a relaxing cup of tea. I went to take a sip, sneezed, smashed the mug into my nose, and dumped scalding hot tea all over my face and cleavage. FML
今天，在我半辈子最累的两周过后，终于可以找个时间坐下放松的喝杯茶，我喝了一小口，突然没忍住打了喷嚏，条件反射的抖动让茶杯庄酸了鼻子，同时把一整杯茶倒在了我的脸上还有我的乳沟里。FML
